I some times feel dejected and feel I should not be working so much. Nobody cares about your work, in fact!
Then, there are the others who worked without letup even when they were not expected to. This Mr. Ramachandra Rao, whom I could call a friend was one like that. He was 95.
He went to the publishing house, collected some addresses and was making a mail packet when he collapsed. He was taken to the hospital and he found his way from there to the promised land. Never to come back.
A few days before that we spoke on the phone. I told him that translation of his book is finished and asked him to send some one to collect the same. I also asked for the money. He owed mw a lot. He asked me how much I should get. I said that he knows it better. He said he will come personally to take the book and also perhaps settle the account. Usually he used to kind of make an appointment and used to be really on time. This time he said he will come at six in the evening. Never mentioned the day. I will now wait till he comes.
This man was a great soul. There were not more than 20 people in the memorial meeting. Those who spoke never really knew him well. May be Subbarayan and me were the exceptions. Mr. Bharadwaja, the organiser was of course an exception beyond my imagination. He was the only man feeling bad about the departure of the person.
I feel bad that a man like Ramachandra Rao is not cared for. Nobody knows him. The erudition and the scholarship. The diligence in whatever he did, at the age of 95 was a model for dull heads like me. At that age Rao was still writing and producing the video documentaries as seriously or more seriously as a young man. It is a paradox. I struggle and do all the things that I am doing now. When I die like Mr. Rao and everyone else, no one mourns. I am not talking about my family and friends. I am talking about the world which considers me as a writer and creator of mental material etc. The question is, should I not bother about any one noticing and patting on my back, and continue to do my thing? Should I give up now because it is all of no consequence? I am in affix!
Do we do things because we want to do them? Do we do things because the world will notice and appreciate us? It is both. You do your thing and feel relieved. You have to do it! It urges you to come out with it, the idea! Then, if others notice and say a good word about your effort you will be doubly happy. Simple! This appreciation is the force that drives all the endeavors in this world. I remember the dialogues in the Telugu stage drama Keertiseshulu. The protagonist is a stage artist. He is left in the lurch in the hour of need. He talks about what kept him stuck to the acting. People clap because of the excellence in his present performance. The dialogue then is about the claps. He says these claps of people made him to continue as a performer.
When in esnips I find that many people are coming and seeing my collection of books and music etc. I feel I should do much more there. The same goes with my site on tripod. Why am I doing these things? Not because I know computers or internet. Because people will see what I feel and what I do!
I am at a loss! May be I will quit all the activity and turn my energy to some thing more useful Definitely not to me! It should be useful to people!
Once again the problem starts. Do people appreciate what I do there either?