The Weakling
Gopalam sat on the canal
bank. There is sand where he sat. It is shining white. He is amidst that sand.
Hence, he is visible. Even in the darkness he continues to be visible. There
are stars above. They are twinkling. They emit light. But, don’t appear to be
doing so. That light shines on the earth. It shines on the hills. On the water
too. It shines on everything. But, none can be seen. All of them would be
hidden in the darkness. There would be darkness where they are hidden. Where
there is darkness, there wouldn’t be any light. But, where there is light,
there would be darkness. So, in spite of the stars, it is dark.
Gopalam is looking
into the waters. Waters are not visible to him. There is darkness there. He is
seeing that darkness. It appeared dark. He thought darkness is black. He struck
a matchstick. Darkness was not seen. An iron nail was seen on the sand. It is
dark. Even in light it appeared black. In the light, the darkness was not
apparent. If it is there, it might have appeared dark. It did not. So, darkness
is not blackness. Then, he does not know of what color the darkness is. He
would not worry about things not known. So, he stopped thinking.
He has not stopped
thinking totally. He has stopped thinking about things not known. But, he is
thinking about something that is known. He knows why he lacks peace of mind,
so, he is thinking about that.
Everyone is thinking
that he is a nice man. They keep saying so. No one says that he is not. They
don’t even think so. It would be good if they do so. He would have peace of
mind.
No one knows that he
has done some bad things. They did not even try to know, since they don’t know.
There is a reason for that. On the very day he came to the village, he did a
good thing. There is another house next to the one he arrived. There is a girl
in that house. Suddenly, on the same day she fell sick. People in the house
were very agitated. They had no money to show her to a doctor. G heard the
matter. He fetched a doctor. He paid him.
After a week the girl recovered. Meanwhile her husband came. He cared
for her. He praised G.
The matter became
known to some people. Those some people went and told many people. Many people
went and told many people and some people together. All of them together told
everyone. All of them praised him. Said a ‘good man’. Eulogised him. G laughed in himself. There
was selfishness in his help. He did not know before that the girl was married.
But, his selfishness
was not apparent to anybody. It was hidden in ignorance. That ignorance is like
the darkness. Darkness would be there where light is there. Ignorance would be
there where knowledge is there. But, where darkness is there, there wouldn’t be
any light. Where there is ignorance, knowledge would not be there.
People there are not
fools. But there is foolishness in them. So, he is a good man. Good man means,
one who does good things. It is alright even if good thoughts are not there.
The deeds should be good. There is a lot of difference between deeds and thoughts.
A deed is apparent. A thought is not. Twain shall not meet sometimes. So they
are north and south.
But, usually thoughts
and deeds are one. They are very close to each other. They stay side by side.
So, they are east and south.
Thoughts and deeds are
indices of the heart. That heart belongs to G. so G is north and south. G is
east and south. G is east. G is south.
Similarly G is east
and west. G is east and south. G is west. G is south.
G is everything. G is
there in everything. G’s heart is there in everything. He acts according to the
thoughts. He acts as if thinking. He acts according to the occasion. He changes
when acting. That change is artificial. He does not like that artificiality.
So, he feels bad.
That pain is not
related to the body. It is of the heart. His heart is soft. It loves. Feels
compassion. Feels pain. It is such a good heart. But, that heart made him do
bad deeds. He did them. Feels bad for doing so.
He feels like telling
about that pain to the others. But cannot. All are respecting him. They are
thinking that he is a good person.
He cannot say that
their impressions are wrong. If he does, they would feel cheated. They would
feel bad. He does not like to cause them pain. So, he cannot tell them. He
hides the matter without telling. Hiding so, he suffers. That is his weakness.
The same weakness is his goodness.
Goodness comes because
of not doing bad. It comes out of weakness also. At such place there has to be
artificiality. So, he is acting artificially. Everyone is not capable of acting
like that. It is hard doing work about which we do not know. Hard work causes
pain. His weakness is causing him pain.
But, he has committed
bad deeds. Those deeds are causing him pain. His goodness is causing him pain.
That goodness made him do bad deeds. He is feeling bad because he did them. He
feeling bad and so, he is a good person.
But, he feels that he
is not a good person. No one would endorse that opinion. Everyone respects him.
Honor him. Take advice when necessary. Speak without malice. Share secrets.
They are such nice people. He is unable to continue among them. On seeing their
goodness, he feels like crying. He feels bad that he is cheating them. He feels
like opening up his real self. But he cannot.
He is not acting on
purpose. He is acting without being able to do so. None doubts him. His kind heart
does not allow anyone doubt him.
He has a lot of own
matters. They are bad deeds he made due to goodness. They are not being
contained in the heart. He is hiding them per force. He is suppressing them.
Their pressure increases. It is resulting in pain. They are seeking for relief
some way or the other. It would be better if revealed to someone. Some relief
would be there. But, the chance of disclosure is not happening. His goodness is
not allowing him. The goodness in the other people is not allowing him. Goodness
is hiding from goodness.
G is looking that way.
G is thinking. G is thinking while seeing that way. G who is seeing is not
seeing anything. G who is thinking is seeing certain things. He is not able to
know where they are seen. They are seen from somewhere. Moving like a movie. They
are coming one after other in succession.
He is there in them.
Moving. He is speaking. He is laughing. G is seeing the man in himself. G is
seeing his own image. He is wondering if it the same him who is acting. He is
feeling bad.
The image that G is
seeing is bluffing. It is in love with the girls. It is cheating innocent
people. It is entering the houses of call girls. Gopalam felt bad. But the form
does not. It is laughing. It is moving happily.
G got angry. He shouted at the image. He shouted at self.
G who shouted laughed
in himself. That laughter was not heard outside. It did not cross the lips. Since
the lips were locked it stopped inside. Laughter that stopped went back. It sat
groaning in a corner of the heart. The groaning came out. G unable to laugh,
groaned.
G’s image appeared
again. He wanted not to see it. Image disappeared. Something remained there.
That remainder was darkish. He was
seeing that darkness. He was seeing through the darkness. He was seeing the
darkness through the darkness.
A little light was
seen. There was a lamp in the middle of the light. G’s image came near to that
lamp. G never cursed. There was a female with the image. He was seeing her. He
was seeing the flowers in her hair. They were not giving out fragrance. Looks
they are wilted. They were bent and were dropping on to the shoulder. There was
the white blouse on the shoulder. The Pallu slipped and fell on the cot. She
blew off the lamp.
G closed his eyes.
Darkness. He opened the eyes. Darkness. He was there in the darkness. There was
darkness in him. There was darkness in his heart. The heart was there in the
darkness. G’s heart is darkness. G is darkness. East is dark. North is dark.
South is dark. Darkness everywhere.
He again lit a
matchstick. There was light around him. He looked from that light. From the
light he saw the darkness. Darkness was visible. Matchstick burnt off. There
was darkness around him. He saw from that darkness. From darkness he saw
darkness. Darkness was visible.
He could see only one
thing. That was darkness. Darkness like the ignorance. Darkness that sinned. He
sinned in that darkness. That sin was giving him pain. He wants relief from the
sin.
But relief was not in
his reach. His goodness was not allowing him liberties. It is binding him. It
is hiding his bad deeds. He thinks of disclosing. But he cannot. There are no
friends worth disclosing to.
G has friendship with
many. That friendship is serious. But there is no intimacy in that friendship.
There is respect in it. Fear would be there where respect is. There would not
be intimacy where fear is. Where there is no intimacy, private matters don’t
come up. So, he is not able to tell anybody. Honour is not allowing him to tell
anybody. Goodness is not allowing him to tell anybody. Honour and goodness
together are stopping him from telling. Out of goodness came honour. Out of
weakness came honour. Out of weakness came fear. So, he is a timid man.
G has fear for the
people there. He fears before the goodness in them. He wishes that the goodness
is not known to him. For that he wants to keep a distance. But, they keep
coming closer to him. They open their hearts’ doors before him. Beyond the
doors there are their clear hearts like white papers. No stains on them.
Neither any soot on them. They are clear like the jasmines.
He fears on seeing the
hearts. He fears to see such white color. So he does not move around in bright
light. Away from the day he sits in a dark room. Moves around in darkness.
Keeps thinking in darkness. He has no fear for darkness. It is his habit to sit
by the canal in darkness. But, during the day he would not venture there. He
does not like light. So he does not move about in light. He has fear for light.
Those without fear
will also drop off the feeling of disgrace. That would mean that brave people
are devoid of shame. But, G is a timid man. So G has a lot of shyness feeling.
Shy G cannot talk happily. Cannot go round happily. He keeps quiet. Shyness is
making him silent.
Bashfulness is an
ornament for women folk. But G is a man. So the character is a wrist watch to
him. Shyness is the waist belt for G.
Together they are
making him handsome. Adding honour. But, it appears they are not giving him any
happiness. He thinks of dropping them. That appear as fetters to him. He wants
relief from those fetters.
But, G has no freedom.
G cannot talk freely with anyone. Cannot tell private matters to anyone. Cannot
even ask for counsel. Shyness stops him from asking. Goodness stops him from
asking. Honour stops him from asking.
It would have been
better without that honour. He could talk with all as he wished. He would act
as he wished. No need of doing anything stealthily. No need of cheating
anybody. He would do it out in the open. He would tell all and laugh it off.
But he has this honour. So he is an unlucky person.
G is an unlucky
person. He came to know of the thing only that morning. Sumati came that
morning as usual. Sumati is a friend’s sister. She takes tuition from him. He
gives tuition. He would make her sit for a while, chat up and send away. He
likes her. Loves her. The love remained in his heart. Never came out. It is
trying to do so. A good day is not nearby. If it is there, it would have come
out.
That girl came and
asked him for help. He loved that girl. So, agreed to help immediately. That
girl told. She is in love with the math teacher in the school, it appears. He
also loves her. They would like to get married. She asked him to tell the
matter to her brother. Somehow, he should make the brother agree, said she.
G has to do that
favour to that girl. G never said he wouldn’t. He said he would. She has a lot
of respect for G. she feels he is a good person. He is in pain because of that.
He felt bad because of the bad ideas within him. He felt bad because she
recognized those bad ideas.
He suffers for
everything. Very soft heart. He cannot bear when the others are suffering. He
is thinking about the action needed so that they don’t suffer.
Far away a small light
flickered. He got up and went near. An owl was peeping from a hole in the tree.
He made noise. It ran away. It went into another tree’s hole and slept.
G started from there. He walked along the canal side. Ran. He ran
into the midst of new people.
G ran away.
